BUSINESS - Carlini's Comments

NETWORK INFRASTRUCTURES & HOLIDAY PARTIES

Filed Friday, December 14. 2007

Where have all the people gone who actually know what they’re talking about?

After going to trade shows, conferences and cocktail parties afterward throughout the year, there’s a definite question about who really knows what they’re talking about and who’s actually clueless but trying to impress people by using buzzwords. It’s embarrassing to hear policymakers talk about network infrastructure when they don’t understand the terminology.

It’s worse if the person who’s trying to influence decision makers on new technology products and services actually works for one of the phone or cable companies. Let’s not forget the university professors and consultants who claim expertise by virtue of credentials and certificates rather than experience.

How do these people get these positions? They’re not fooling anyone who really knows the industry. To avoid embarrassment next time, let’s take a short quiz and weed out the wannabes.

Once you know what you don’t know, you can adapt your behavior at a cocktail hour when most people’s personalities are amplified.

Take this test of network competency on basic network terminology and concepts. Thinking of going to that cocktail party at the end of the day and trying to make a better impression?

With holiday parties this season, here’s a simple guide to determine how you should act at the next cocktail party based on how you scored. Also, check out the appropriate drinks someone of your caliber would be drinking or try to socially climb up a notch or two by drinking something more sophisticated than your normal call.

Watch how others order drinks to determine where they stand on the social scale and how you may be able to dodge any shortcomings you have intellectually. Here is the scoring for the test of network competency:

14 to 15: World Class

You can comment about network infrastructures and be fairly confident that you know what you’re talking about. Feel free to interject your thoughts into the conversation and show others your depth of competency. We’ll cross paths event. Are you in the Bentley driver’s club, too?

Bar Etiquette

What should you order? You should order cognac, of course, unless they have some Armagnac. In either case, order XO (especially if someone else is buying). With what you’re saving on your bar bill, you can go fill up the Bentley with gas.

Did you know that cognac was the drink of Winston Churchill? It’s the drink of kings. Did you know Paris Hilton and Jennifer Lopez drive Bentleys? You can throw out those facts to impress the masses. If anyone tries to challenge your knowledge, remember from the bottom to top quality it’s VS, VSOP and XO.

While aged scotch is also very acceptable, it’s harder to make a blended scotch than a single malt scotch. Never accept a single-malt scotch. That’s beneath you.

As for what to wear, wear the best jewelry even if it means taking it out of the safety deposit box. Of course, always ask if the other guy’s Rolex is a fake. It likely is. Watch out for fake Breitlings, too.

12 to 13: Excellent

While you can hold your own with almost anyone, be open to their opinions as your score suggests you are far from knowing it all. Don’t overwhelm the conversation like you did last time.

Bar Etiquette

A single-malt scotch, an aged rum or maybe that 10-year-old bourbon. After you, Chatsworth. Thank you very much, Remington. Practice your manners as they are always magnified at the bar. Be polite.

A brandy or bourbon Manhattan is totally acceptable if no brands of quality are available. Make sure you loudly comment that their bar is less stocked than yours at home. Take it straight up or on ice (except for with cognac, which should be straight with an ice-water backup). No mixers.

Ladies: No green or pink martinis or anything that looks like they poured Prestone anti-freeze into your glass. Sophistication means a light champagne rather than a drink that needs its own battery pack to support its neon glow.

As for what to wear, tone down that preppy look even though you think it’s your standard uniform. As for company- or school-logo shirts, leave those for a management team meeting or the alumni cheese-and-crackers party. Avoid embarrassment by not wearing the university-logo shirt unless you are absolutely sure no one went to a better school than you did.

If you attempt this, also make sure you don’t drink something that doesn’t match the caliber of your school logo. This is highly risky as drinking a can of Milwaukee’s Best while wearing a Princeton shirt will create the impression that you didn’t go to Princeton at all. They’ll think you merely stopped in their bookstore to buy a shirt on the way to Atlantic City.

10 to 11: Good

You are far from being any expert. Don’t even admit you went to some big-time school as someone might tell you to get your money back. Avoid that embarrassment.

Bar Etiquette

Have any imported beer or chardonnay? Avoid asking for cabernet sauvignon or pinot grigio because we both know you’re going to mispronounce it.

Play it safe. Avoid asking for a flaming panoramic drink like winter sex on the beach with diet Coke as that doesn’t impress. It only spotlights your lack of class, which directly correlates to your lack of knowledge.

As for some general hints for those scoring 10 and above, never order any mixed drinks with Coke or flavored vodkas with any mixer. Tutti-frutti, chocolate dream or chunky monkey are ice cream flavors. They’re not vodkas.

8 to 9: Fair

Listen more instead of offering your opinion. Remember that just about half the time you are wrong.

Bar Etiquette

This is the Seven Seven crowd who thinks splurging is ordering a Canadian club and 7-Up. Once in a while, someone will try to order that latest trend drink. It’s too bad the hot-buttered rumba and Moscow mule in a copper mug are no longer in style.

Men: Try not to discuss the “Three Stooges” party episodes like you usually do. Refrain from dunking a tumbler into the punch bowl to recreate that scene with Curly.

If you’re a lady, wine is not served in tumblers. Remember the movie “Arthur” where his butler says: “Hmmmm... A woman of your stature is usually found in a bowling alley.” Avoid that comment by sticking with the safe call: “Chardonnay, please.” Sure, you will appear a little classier if you order a red merlot, but please remember the “t” is silent.

6 to 7: Poor

Is the movie “Idiocracy” a documentary of you? At the party, act very gracious and don’t speak. Volunteer to get people their drinks. People will at least assume you are somewhat classy with manners if you don’t mess up their drink orders.

Bar Etiquette

Order their drinks and get something inconspicuous for yourself.

Don’t get an umbrella drink. Get a white wine or something you can pronounce. Avoid asking for boxed wine with your favorite NASCAR driver’s number on it or putting ice in your wine. Stay away from cans of domestic beer, too.

If you are a female, put the beer in a glass at least. Don’t drink from a bottle or a can. I once saw a well-known female economist do that at a party. Talk about a loss of credibility.

Men: Leave the mirrored sunglasses and can-opener necklace at home. They are not filming the remake of “Cool Hand Luke” at the party.

4 to 5: Duh!

Smile and offer to go get vegetables for everyone. It’s better to go and get some appetizers than show your ignorance. At least they will think you know something about nutrition and may assume you went to a decent school instead of the winter prom at a trucking institute.

Bar Etiquette

Try to avoid drinking from the glass that they use to wash the swizzle sticks. Don’t forget some napkins, too, as you are probably the type who spills a lot.

Football fans should not wear their sweatshirts, team ties or other team clothing to a cocktail party. It’s better to save it for Sundays when they’re normal. If you’re a female, keep the hockey team and NASCAR jewelry at home.

0 to 3: Danger!

You are a vegetable. Don’t go to the cocktail party.

Bar Etiquette

There is none. You are the celery in the glass. As for females and dress, since you’re not going to the party you might as well go get that third tattoo you were thinking about getting. It will look great. Really.